Disatisfication & Ramifications

Today I feel like I'm living a quote from one of my favorite movies, Before Sunset. If you haven't seen this incredible movie before, do yourself a favor and rent it immediately.

There are only two characters in the movie and they spend the entire time walking through Paris and talking about life. In Before Sunset, one of the characters (Jesse - played by Ethan Hawke) says of his life:

"You know, to be in the moment, and I just feel like I'm designed to be slightly dissatisfied with everything. You know? I mean... always trying to better my situation. You know, I satisfy one desire, and it just agitates another, you know? Then I think: to hell with everything, right? I mean, desire is the fuel of life."

I truly feel that sentiment today, I suppose a victim of my age. I'm 28 years old, nearing 30 quicker than I'd like, and I feel like I've accomplished little in my life. Nothing seems to ever make me truly happy. I always need something more, something else, something just a little further down the road. It's never enough.

Then logic kicks in and reminds me that success is in the eye of the beholder, that which only effects other people's perception of you and they're not worth your time in the first place, and I have a job which is pretty darn good in this economy - two in fact.  I have a husband who loves me so well, a beautiful house, a great family, friends, really cute dogs, enough money in the bank...blah, blah, blah....  But none of that is soothing at the moment.

I've just never been good with justifications; they taste bitter in my mouth. Some days (today in fact) I'm a professional at pointing out the negative, the evil, the bad, the dirty... and have absolutely no desire to be finding the good in myself. It's a heavy cross to bear when in fact it's you who makes you hold the cross.

I'm never good with change, but change is what I'm constantly seeking. Ironic, isn't it? My mind scans all available options - but I settle for being slightly uncomfortable and slightly dissatisfied with my station in life rather than largely uncomfortable making those changes.

You'd think I'd know better, constantly being uncomfortable really teaches you how to be in the current moment, but I just can't fathom doing that or living that way. I need stability but I long for change.  Ugh!

I generally write with purpose, but today it's entirely for internal vindication.

I'm sitting here, listening to itunes wishing a cat was purring on my lap, trying desperately to think of how to get this out of my head. I've been nearing the edge of tears all day. I'm positive it's a result of my recent diagnosis or maybe even my childhood friend's phone call.  I haven''t seen her for nearly 2 years and talking to her just reminded me of how little genuine contact I have in my life right now.  Ugh times two.

I went for blood work at the doctor's office the other week and when the results came back - they were not normal.  First I got a phone call to say that I needed to schedule an appointment for a follow up with the doctor.  You know, when you have perfect results - they just send you a letter.  Crap!

So in short, I have endocrine issues that make me overweight, have less than stellar skin, and fertility problems.  I have never been really large - just not always thin.  I have never had bad skin - just not always clear.  And I've never been pregnant - and maybe never will be?  In one way it's justification that although in the last two years I have been a size 6 all the way to...well...double digits...it's not me and my fascination with ice cream so much as my body's inability to regulate itself.  And in the other way, well, here I sit feeling sorry for myself.  Remember this post?  I had no idea at the time that this question might one day burn me. 

Fertility issues.  What a burden.  Seriously!  I mean if I were simply infertile, then I would know to just let it go and move on.  But I am not - just...well...keep your fingers crossed?  Give up?  Make a new family plan?  Try hard?  Take fertility drugs?  See a specialist?  Do nothing?  Do everything?

So, for now, it's hiding under stability. Maybe someday soon I'll learn how to make change not hurt and scare me so much.

I will take my medication and remember that life has many things in store for me and although it may not look like I once thought it would, it will be what was always intended to be.  Relinquishing control....and. just. waiting.

Tomorrow I will again strive to find my annoyingly optimistic self.  But today, I am going to wallow.